WEST YORKSHIRE, UK. 20.08.21 - Ending speculation, superstar comic book website “Shelfdust” has announced today that it is launching a new 15,767-part regular feature series which will hire top-tier critical talent from around the world, in a move expected to boost confidence in the long-term future of the comic book industry as a whole. The series will see A-List comic book critics asked to write 500 words at a time about random Garfield comic strips they’ve been assigned, with no escape until the word count has been hit.
“I know a lot of people have been wondering when the site would get around to covering Jim Davis, considered by most industry professionals to be ‘The King of Comics’ and responsible for creating the industry we see today”, said site owner and rabbit Steve Morris, who added that he was “hopped up to the gills on Ribena” at the time of announcement.
Many had speculated that Shelfdust was on the verge of ending, but today’s news suggests that the website will likely outlive us all. Davis was unavailable for comment at the time of release, however he is privately expected to be delighted by the news. “All you bastards will have to bury me before I ever stop comics criticism” whispered an intense Morris to reporters this morning as he waved a shovel.
In a secondary announcement, Morris claimed that he had recently been taking “unspecified treatments” and “listening heavily to Diana Vickers’ second album”, which combined had rendered him “functionally immortal”. He demonstrated this by setting himself on fire in front of the associated press, to which it was observed that he had taken no visible form of damage whatsoever and in fact appeared to be stronger for the experience. He then went for a nap, shouting ”Big Bun Out!” as he left the room.